Hit the Keys

This will be short, but in an attempt to get back to writing a blog more often, to awaken the writer in me, I will post today and hopefully start finding things to write about more than once a week. I just find my brain goes muddled and I can't quite think of things to talk about, but that's because I have a lot going on behind the scenes at the moment, mostly editing manuscripts and trying to keep myself afloat in a sea of distractions.

I hit a sluggish row around 2009, just burnout I guess, but I'm digging and clawing my way out of this rut. I HAVE to, not just because living in a rut is awful, but because my writing is suffering for it. I misplaced my fire- that writing fire that was lit beneath me? It got moved and misplaced in the chaos of simply living.

If I seem to procrastinate it has a lot to do with not "feeling" the fire burning in my belly....I lost the hunger and the need to write. I used to write as though I might never get to have my entire say in the conversation of life. I feel like I'm on the outskirts of that fire, and I need to jump back in, let the flames brand me, to sear my skin with the markings of untold tales and fill my heart with a renewed desire to lift the stories up out of me and onto the page/screen.

It's slowly rekindling, I just wish I hadn't lost it to begin with- but life is sometimes too overwhelming and you must take each step and each moment as it comes, even when it isn't convenient for us. I've stayed quiet a lot these past few years because I've been ashamed of myself for losing the momentum. I wonder, what kind of writer does that make me? I'm starting to think it's all about pacing- pacing the stories and the writing and the editing, and myself.

The writer in me won't stop nagging me to fix this. I'll get there. I have to.

Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Follow Your Heart's Desire

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Chasing dreams is generally encouraged by most everyone. When you're little, your parents and loved ones tell you that you can be anything you want to be. They boost your confidence and remind you that there are no limits to what you can do in your life. If you want something badly enough, you can work for it, fight for it and accomplish it. Fall down the rabbit hole, Alice.

What we're not always prepared for are those people who seem to know which buttons to push to make us doubt ourselves, to pack away our dreams in a cardboard box and store it in the back of the closet and make us feel unworthy of finding the greatness within us.

Your heart's desire might not ever bring you fame and fortune. You might pursue something for which you have no real talent, but if it brings you a brief moment of happiness or joy or inspiration, then it has accomplished something because it gives you the opportunity to taste the richness of LIVING your life doing something you enjoy.

As a writer, I've waffled back and forth over the years with so many detrimental emotions in this regard.

There are some who just don't understand WHY you want to do what you do and they never will. They tend to ask WHY a lot and then still blow you off when your answer doesn't satisfy them. There are those who act like they're supportive, but say harsh and hurtful things. I don't know if they do that purposely or on a subconscious level, where they don't realize how much pain they inflict in the heart of us. I imagine some disregard dreams simply because they've failed in their own. Perhaps they're jealous to see another person pursuing their dream while they don't because they're fearful of even TRYING. Some are just so critical, they want you to fail, or they want you to be the way THEY want you to be. If your interests or dreams veer off the path of what they think is "right" then it just doesn't belong. You're a square peg in a round hole. Sadly, this generally means they don't love you for who you are and aren't willing to accept you, faults and all. That's a truly sad state of affairs there when they are people you admire, respect and love.

Some of the people who do this are inconsequential, but then there are those you have to contend with- parents, siblings, other relatives, friends, neighbors, authority and even yourself. Those closest can generally hurt you the most because they don't realize they're attacking a part of you when they find fault with what's in your heart.

I've had some people stand behind me 100% about chasing my writing career and others who pshawed me as if the dream were too big and I were too small to accomplish it. It hurts when others beat it into your head that its not worth all the time you're "wasting" on a dream you can't achieve. It breaks your heart because you end up adding their doubts to the mix and stir it into your own doubts and fears. What's left? A very thick Doubt Soup- a recipe for feelings of utter hopelessness and it can happen to the best of us.

I spent a great deal of time in previous years NOT writing because no one seemed to believe in me and those who did, couldn't get me to see it because I'd convinced myself it wasn't worth it. If no one else believed in me, why should I believe in myself? I thought being a wife and mother was all I had to give. I was just someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's wife, someone's mother.

But a writer? Who was I kidding?

The only problem was that I got up daily, thinking about how much I wanted to write. I went to bed thinking about how much I missed it. I felt dead on the inside, intent on just living the life I had in my empty little shell, even if it meant I didn't write. But my heart wouldn't let me. The embers of my desire to write crackled deep below the surface, kindled and started burning me from the inside out, filling my days with an ache to write so badly, I finally had to give in to it and let it take over. And I'm glad I did. Somehow that desire broke through the barriers of sadness, despondency and hopelessness until it filled me up with a renewed belief in myself, more confidence and ideas and inspiration.

I recently told a friend that I'd just as soon die as to stop writing. There was laughter, but I know it was the laughter of understanding. I think sometimes we neglect our biggest responsibilities- to ourselves-We spend so much of our time bending to other people's demands, other people's views of us, their "will" for us, that we forget we have just as much responsibility to be true to ourselves and grasp hold of our own free will to be who we're meant to be- no matter what that might be.

If we don't "take care" of us, take care of OUR heart's desire, we die a little inside. Sometimes, in fact, we die a LOT inside before we realize we can't please everyone all the time and we shouldn't even attempt to. There comes a point when you have to decide if the sacrifice of your heart, your dreams and your own feelings are worth it when it makes you feel like you have no reason to exist, as though what you are doesn't matter. We forget to "matter" to ourselves while we're so busy worried about what everyone else thinks.

It's one of the most deplorable things in the world when someone else thinks they can dictate your heart's desire or make you feel like what you love or enjoy is meaningless or unworthy. I will never be one to say you "can't" follow that dream. I believe it was my 4th grade teacher who said "Can't never could do anything."

Follow your heart's desire, enjoy life and be true to YOU.

To thine own self be true.
~Shakespeare~

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

~Dr. S~

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.”
~Dr. S~

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

And So It Begins

The school year has gotten off to a great start for both my kids. My daughter is loving 3rd grade and my stepson is amazed that 7th grade is "not as bad as I thought it would be."

It's been a busy week for the kids and us and me. Got some things done that I've been working on behind the scenes. Walked on the treadmill once this week. Really need to tackle that again today if I hope to get back in the habit and perhaps also have a reason to contribute to my exercise/weight loss blog (Taryn Has a Meltdown) from time to time.

Today I'm going to enjoy my Friday, but I'm also going to start laying out editing plans for some of my other manuscripts- run the "numbers" on adverbs, overused words, grammatical errors, etc. It's time to start tightening the belt around my writing waist and hopefully have edits done soon so I can get back to the WIP I haven't finished yet and start the next, and last in the series, of my brothers.

Then to see where things go from there.

Have a lovely Friday people.

The Countdown has Begun...

School starts Tuesday for my kids. I love them with all my heart, but I honestly need to stop here and say

"Yippee!"

This has been a short and yet very long and draining summer vacation. The heat has been nearly unbearable and the kids- I know they try, but it's like two small cyclones tearing through my house, bumping into each other (and me) and bickering and stirring up a ruckus that has me fit to be tied sometimes. And they're not the small cyclones they used to be. No, they are growing and with that growth, they're more irritable and grouchy and grumble and fuss just a little louder, because what's the point of a fight with your big brother or little sister if Mom doesn't HEAR it the first time? LOL

They "need" more education...Yes, that's it. It's an absolute must~ because I NEED the quiet time to return to my normally abnormal days.

Autumn isn't here yet, but I feel it~sense it~ this settling current that's rippling just beneath the staggering heat that's crisped the grass, the riotous buzz of the cicadas, the crunchy dead leaves that have fallen at the feet of the trees. The trees aren't ready to strip down for their chilled dance through fall into winter, but this weather just hasn't given them much choice. It's so hot they have begun to bare their limbs, and they're growing more naked as the days and weeks move along.

This summer, even with the suffocating heat, has found me suffering the aches and pains of a sinus infection. I knew that's what it was a month or so ago, but I'm stubborn and refused to go to the doctor just because I was thinking of our finances and what's necessary. My mom reminded me that if it were one of the kids or my husband, I'd insist they go, but I don't do them any good if I'M sick either and I need to make myself a priority in getting well. So, I'm on Amoxicillin and starting to feel better just a couple of days in.

It's put me in a haze, having a sinus infection. I did get my first round of edits into my editor and now I'm working on another project that I'm not going to talk about today, but hoping that it's something I WILL be able to talk about before too long, if all goes well and maybe then I can talk about it till I'm blue in the face.

We'll see.

We've had 7th grade orientation for the oldest and tonight we must endure the Open House for the 3rd grader. Oh, what fun! Will be glad when this is over because I know I don't have to cook tonight, but will get to enjoy some awesome catfish from a little out of the way place here that Guy Fieri should visit on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

Enjoy your Friday people, keep cool and let the countdown begin...Momma can't wait!