Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A New Year, A New Me...

I'm running behind in blogging about my intentions for 2011. Part of that is because I don't really have a clue where to go from here. What I do know is that I'm extremely tired of floating along like I have nothing better to do with myself. I've been in this stagnant sludge for about 2-3 years.

Call it laziness, depression, has several names in my mind. I've been dealing with personal issues, deaths in my family, and just generally- Life. I lost my balance somewhere. The writing train ran out of steam and I've yet to get it fired back up properly.

Quitting smoking nearly two years ago was a decision I am proud of and I know I feel better and it was a good thing to do not just for financial and health reasons, but because it sets a good example for my kids. I don't miss it most of the time, though the weight gain has not been a pleasant side effect, or my lack of motivation to get up and get moving to drop the weight. That's something I intend to put more effort into this year. I have to do something about it because I'm at a breaking point mentally and emotionally and physically. My body reminds me daily that it's not happy or in shape.

The weight has added to the emotional baggage I carry around and that in turn, affects my writing. I don't feel lovable, pretty or sexy in this "heavy" body. Not feeling that way makes me not care or want to write stories about being loved/lovable.

I know I should love myself for who I am, no matter my size, but I feel like a slug and I don't like "me" too much. I don't like my characters because they tend to reflect the parts and characteristics within me right now that I don't like- the parts that are ugly and dissatisfied.

When I'm healthier, I have a better self-image. I don't need to be skin & bones, but I do need to feel good about me again and I need to be able to "breathe" in my own skin. So that's part of the plan. Lose weight and love ME again so that I can love my writing- most especially because I have missed that fire, that spark I had several years ago where I was writing so much my wrists ached and my mind was constantly active with ideas and stories and plots. I had so much joy.

I want to go back there...When I write- I'm Alice- those stories hidden in my heart and mind are MY Wonderland and I miss it SO much. I've been away too long and though I know I can't take up residence there permanently, I still want to go back for visits...more often than I have in the past few years.

And one of the ways I intend to "get" to my Wonderland was to reassess my writing atmosphere.

I got my laptop early last year, with the intention of being able to be mobile, to go and write where I wanted. I set up a "writing nook" in the bedroom, but in those months that followed, I find I've stayed pretty stationary, using the kids' mini folding table and sitting in the recliner, distracted by the television, etc.

It's not the same as when I sat at the desk on the regular PC. And it dawned on me that I did my best writing, my most prolific and productive writing, sitting right here in the living room at the computer desk, back to the television, headphones on with MY music so I could get in "the zone." Even with hubby and the kids right here in the same room, I got more done when I had a structured "writing area."

And the more I've thought about it, the more the thought gnawed at me that, since the hard drive on the desktop crashed and we can't afford to get it fixed at the moment, it was just collecting dust and taking up space I could be "WORKING" at. So today I cleared a place in the spare bedroom to put the regular PC temporarily until we can get it fixed and I dusted the desk and made me a writing nook again...back where I do my best work. And look at me...after struggling to write my New Year's blog, here I am, doing it, with very little trouble. I already feel inspired. :o) It's good to have my area back!

Here's to getting words down- LOTS of them...Bring it ON!