When I started this blog a few years ago, I was writing almost nonstop, full to the brim with inspiration and I blogged a LOT. I felt I had a lot to say, and looking back, I realize I struck when an iron was burning hot in my soul. I had spent so many stagnant years THINKING about writing, DREAMING about writing, that when I finally found my inspiration, discovered my muse, it burned like rich fuel and engulfed me for nearly 2- 2 1/2 years. It was one of those "eat, sleep and breathe" it things.
And then along came 2009 and it threw a big ol' monkey wrench into all I had been so proud of- all that I had accomplished. When I said this blog was for the ups and downs of my journey as a writer, I can now honestly say it and mean it because it has been a rough year all around and seemed to be the year I would be hit by one of those writing downs I spoke of, but it also seemed to flood over into other parts of my life. 2009 seemed to become a year that was about losing other things, as well.
I lost my writing mojo~ my flame shimmered down to an ember and the strong foundation I thought I had poured for my life as a writer chipped a little bit. Self-doubt and self-pity crowded around me and shook that foundation some more and gave me pause to look back and wonder what in the world I was doing. In the past year, I have honestly thought a few times that the white hot flame of inspiration had burnt out completely, but I'm starting to see the sparks again, feel the low rumble deep within and think perhaps I needed the break before the next big rush of inspiration and writing frenzy washes over me.
In the past year I also lost a couple of teeth via excruciating pain that led to extractions. I lost a classmate and dear friend- a young woman who had once been one of my very best friends. She died far too early in her life- she was only a couple of years older than me. I lost a family member to cancer. We miss you Aunt Faye!
I even lost a bad habit- smoking. I broke a 16-year habit in a matter of weeks. I'm now 9 months+ smoke-free and looking forward to March when I can proudly say I've been smoke-free for a year. Never would have thought that when I started smoking at 18, I'd be able to give it up, but I did. If 2009 was good for anything, it was that...It was time.
A few things I didn't lose- weight, though I wish I had. I HAVE to get back to the Gazelle. My sense of humor- I can still laugh at how silly and naive I can be. My mind and my grasp on reality...though those two are questionable and have yet to be confirmed, though I hope I haven't lost either. Mwahahaha!
I guess really though, losing isn't always about losing, but about growth and change.
I get this way every time and there's a lot of relief to see the end of one and beginning of another, and yet I'm overcome with melancholy and find myself seeking moments of deep reflection.
In the closing months of every year I decorate my world in bright sparkling lights and decorations and surround myself with the cheerful twinkle of the holidays, but at the same time, it's hard not to think about how I'm also saying a joyous hello to a new year and a sad goodbye to the previous one, especially after all the "light" that surrounds me for a month or more is snuffed out.
Seems it takes forever to get the decorations up and I usually revel in it, but then the "light" goes away so much more quickly. Yesterday as I carefully took down each ornament, strand of garland and string of lights, and again today as I froze my fingers removing stiff wires and frozen bows from the hedges and porch in the bitterly cold wind, sadness crept up and slipped into my heart. I realized all the "light" was being packed away yet again. The trinket shelves in the living room are so dark now that the village is gone and the corner to my right where the tree stood just a couple of days ago is shadowed. Instead of the tree there is a rocking chair and my Gazelle folded up and leaning against the wall, waiting for me to start the new year off right.
Sad as it is, there's also that wonderful sense of normalcy returning and I'm glad of it. The kids go back to school tomorrow, hubby goes back to work and hopefully it will be the first day of a new beginning for me in regard to my writing. I'm putting it to bed, though we're already a few days into 2010- Goodnight 2009, for the last time.
2010~ Bring It On!!!