Friday, March 13, 2009

I've Got a Bridge To Cross

This week has been a rough one on the personal front. A lot going on that is better kept to myself, but let's just say that's why I took a step back and haven't posted in a few days. I've been at an emotional crossroads.

I've added extra scenes to my current revisions, but there were other things on my mind and heart this week that took precedence over everything else.

One was my own ridiculous slide into melancholy- and the sudden overwhelming fear that engulfed me with self-doubt about my writing. I hit a downward spiral and found myself crying like I haven't in a very long time. Made me feel like a silly little child, bawling my eyes out and wondering what makes me think I know anything about writing romance novels.

This sprouted its ugly little head on top of numerous other things- things that are and aren't beyond my control- It's just been a crazy week and I'm looking forward to a trip to Wal-Mart tomorrow, even if it's mostly to pick up darling daughter a new pair of shoes. She's outgrown her 10's and the 10 1/2's she has are really size 11 it will be!

In the midst of all this insanity I've gotten back to the Gazelle- after a month away. On Monday I did 2 miles. Tuesday was when everything welled up on me and overflowed, so I figured I'd make up for what I missed the day before. Instead of simply doubling my "miles walked"- I decided to try something different- an hour on the Gazelle, just to see how much I could get out of it. I wasn't breaking much of a sweat doing 2 miles a day- so in just under an hour- I tackled 5- so Wed, Thur and today I did 5 miles each. Go me! Now if I can just keep that up 5 days a week! Maybe I'll add a mile or two on the weekends- just to keep me in the habit.

Another thing- my husband and I are both smokers, but the recent price hike has given us a lot to consider. I've been smoking for 16 years, so this is going to be tough, but I know I can do it, though I might need help from one of those smoking cessation products, but it will be worth it to get rid of a habit I shouldn't have started to begin with. I'm truly tired of it and though I haven't quit cold turkey before, I am going to tackle this.

I realized at this very moment that I haven't mentioned my smoking on here before because- in all honesty- I'm ashamed of it and I know in this day and age it's looked down on, but considering I'm finally at a place where I feel I'm done with it, there's no need for me to shamefully hide in the corner. I'm making a good decision for myself and my family and I know that. Please feel free to hold me accountable! LOL (I'm sure support and encouragement from friends/acquaintances would help tremendously.)

It will save us so much money and it will also improve our health, our lives and our children's lives, without a doubt. Please wish us luck in this. Last night we were talking about it and I said something about how we're going to "try" to quit and I said, "Scratch that- we're not 'trying' to quit- We're GOING to quit."

So needless to say, there's a lot of changes occurring in my life now- A lot of turning inward to find answers, to understand and to make major adjustments where they need to be made- emotionally, mentally, physically and health-wise.

Shew! That felt like a mouthful! Have a wonderful Friday and a lovely weekend!


Magdalena Scott said...


I'd been missing you. So sorry to hear you've had a rough week. I hope things will smooth out for you. All the best with your decision to quit smoking. I've always been glad I didn't start, because I'm not sure I'm strong enough to quit. I have no doubt, however, that you can do it! As you said about the Gazelle, also true about this, GO YOU!

Devon Matthews said...

Taryn, I'm so relieved to see you post. I was getting concerned and planned to email if we hadn't heard from you within a couple of more days.

On the smoking issue, don't be ashamed. I took up smoking when I was a teenager, hubby too, because at the time it was the cool thing to do. Who knew it was so addictive and would eventually ruin our health? And quitting is one of the hardest things you will ever tackle. You WILL need a lot of support, so don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for it. I know where you're coming from. These days non-smokers treat smokers like they're dirty or something. Been there, so you have a sympathetic ear in me.

Finally, about your writing. Dear heart, please, PLEASE don't let self-doubt cripple your creativity and possibly even stop you from writing. We ALL go through these periods of doubt. Heck, I denounce myself as a crap writer at least every other day and try to convince myself I need to quit. We just have to shut out those negative voices and get on with it. Think of all the pleasure your writing has given you. Think of all the pleasure you give US every time you post to your blog. You are a writer! Keep saying it. Believe it! {{{Hugs}}}

Jennifer Madden said...

Wow!! It does sound like you have a lot going on, but I think you can handle it. If you've got kids, you can handle anything.
Stopping smoking is a hard row to hoe, but if you can do it, it will totally renew your family. My step-mom and dad have smoked for years, and she just passed her 1 yr smoke-free anniversary. It's hard to do, but she felt a difference in her health the first week. She did have some help though. I believe she got a wellbutrin prescription, and that helped curb the cravings. Nothing else worked for her. My dad has mostly stopped, but he sneaks one every once in a while. Don't get depressed by the setbacks, they happen. Just get back at it as soon as you can.
I don't know you very well, but I'm proud of you for doing this. It can only make you healthier.
And keep up the Gazelle. I've been trying to walk a couple miles every couple days, but it's hard to fit it in sometimes. Weather, kids, animals keep interfering.
Good luck with everything! Maybe you can come up with a punishment for yourself. For every cigarette you have, you have to do an extra mile on the Gazelle. ;-)

Taryn Raye said...

Thanks so much ladies. It means a lot to me that I've got you all around.

I'm trying to wean myself back on the cigarettes today. I moved the ashtray AWAY from the computer-i.e. my writing space. For one thing-I'm hoping I'll be less apt to light up if I have to get up and go all the way to the kitchen to do so each time I crave one. So far in the past couple of hours I've had 2, so that's a drastic change from what I'm usually doing (chainsmoking).

I'll keep you posted.