#Writerly Wednesday~ A Royal Birth: Where This Writer's #Dreams Began #inspiration #writing #Life

It started a long time ago...I know I say I was probably 10 or 11 when I knew I wanted to be a writer, but it might have begun a bit earlier than that...Playing in our basement as a kid during summer vacation, chicken-pecking on this old Royal Typewriter, pretending I worked for a newspaper, writing late-breaking news from the neighborhood.

A while back I wrote a blog about this very typewriter, having asked my mom about it and her telling me she thought it had been tossed out during clean-up week, but when I was up this past month to visit, we were getting ready for the yard sale and lo and behold, there it was, on my dad's side of the basement.

It's absolutely filthy and the keys jam and there's no ribbon, just lots of cobwebs, caked on dust and grim of the last couple decades of being buried in my parents' basement, but it is the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time! Well, as far as my writing life is concerned. My mom said my dad was just going to part it out and sell the keys on Ebay because that's about all he could make off it these days cause people make jewelry out of the keys now. Bah, Humbug I say!

I know my eyes had to have lit up like a kid's on Christmas morning when I saw it, cause my mom took one glance at me and knew I wanted it, so she said she'd talk to my dad. She understands the significance of it to me. This old heavy, filthy grey dinosaur is where I "cut my writing teeth" so to speak. I didn't write much of anything on it really, but there was something joyous about the click-clackety sound of those keys and the way the letters struck the page. It left an impression on me, to say the least and revved my imagination and my desire to become a writer.

I have no intentions of using it to write with, but for me it's more the sentimental value of having it in my possession, something I can someday have a "spotlight" on when I have my own "office" space for writing. It will be the centerpiece of my writerly showcase~ And it's my great hope that it will also be a wonderful writing totem for me to act as inanimate inspiration... a new muse from which to draw my writing strength and drive from. It will be even better when I get the old gal cleaned up and looking pretty.

Happy Hump Day Sweets!

Thursdays with Taryn~ Join me in talking about nothing much... #Life #Time #Determination #Blessings

I honestly don't know what to write about anymore. I used to post blogs almost daily and never failed to ramble on about something. That was also during a time in my life when I was most productive in my novel writing as well. Perhaps I need to do this as an experiment to see just where my thoughts veer off the path today. And maybe I need to do this more often to keep the writerly juices flowing...

We'll see...

I've still been struggling with myself- my journey- as a writer. I finished the edits of Love By Design a while back, but I withdrew into myself and I'll admit, I've been suffering with a bit of self-doubt that I'm just starting to feel lifting its weight off of me.

I've been in avoidance mode, or it feels that way. If I don't think about it, maybe my not-up-to-snuff stories will just vanish. I've let this drag me under the tow for a while now, but I think I'm starting to resurface and I'm catching my breath again. Perhaps I will find my inspiration and desire once more and stop letting the childish part of me wallow in massive heap of self-pity. I have work to do, it's just a matter of slapping myself around some and knocking the good sense back into me.

I know it does me no good to wallow like I have been, but I just feel at a loss, uncertain where I'm heading with my writing and my life, and sometimes I feel like I'm going at this all wrong, or totally alone. A lot of the time, it looks something like this blurry mess below- rolling down a secluded back road, a solitary traveler with a dirty windshield who's moving so swiftly I can't enjoy the scenery or stop to think for a while. Maybe that's just Life whisking by and it's pulling me along with it whether I want to go that fast or not.

It would be great if Life would slow down for us, but it doesn't. If we don't enjoy it, it will get away from us and that goes for all things- whether it's enjoying the flowers blooming in your yard, a quiet sunset, watching your children grow up, celebrating another year of marriage, finishing those novels you set out to write from the heart, cherishing the time with your parents, siblings and extended family and friends.

We need to make the most of all the time we have in this Life~ relish it, enjoy it, revel in it, rather than wallow in the muck and mire, allowing the negative to suck us under and try to drown us.

Take time to breathe today, look around you and count your blessings!

I know I'm going to because I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for.

Time Flies...We Haven't Killed Each Other Yet... #Marriage #Love #Anniversary

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
Katherine Hepburn

Eleven years ago my husband and I met via one of those online dating sites in April 2001. Family and friends worried about me meeting some stranger who lived so far away from my hometown. We continued talking and chatting and by Labor Day weekend that year I had moved in, but it wasn't until June 7, 2002 that we said I do- Today marks our 10th anniversary and I'm utterly astounded to realize it's been that long. A decade had come and gone and boy, did it go by quickly.

Moreover, I'm not going to lie- I'm shocked and amazed we've lasted this long. Marriage is such a disposable commodity in this day and age and I used to think it was crazy just how often people I knew married and then divorced not long afterward. What was wrong with them? Marriage wasn't something to be taken lightly, or at least I didn't think so because I grew up believing that marriage is truly till death do you part. Divorce was not something common in my family history- My parents are still together, my grandparents on either side of my family had never been divorced- they truly were "till death do us part."

Of course, ten years of marriage has taught me a bit about why some marriages last and others don't and it has changed my views on it. Sometimes it might be better to go your separate ways, but you should still work at it first to be sure. One thing I know is that it's not always easy and we had our share of struggles(sometimes still do when we don't agree on things) because it's hard to take two individuals and blend their lives into one. Even something as great as a chocolate and vanilla swirl cone takes work- the mechanics (of the machine) have work together properly to get that swirly blend of heavenly soft-serve perfection. And so it is with marriage...even with warnings from family and friends that "marriage takes a lot of work" and "you don't know EVERYTHING there is to know about this person" it doesn't sink in until later. Much later...

Because it's later when you realize you've married someone with odd quirks and idiosyncrasies that you never noticed before in the initial first stages of the relationship, when the strange things they do are "cute" or "funny." Soon you realize that you're married to someone who sometimes isn't pleasant, who can be downright annoying and irritating or just plain get under your skin until you want to pull out your hair- or theirs.

No matter how romantic they were in the beginning- dedicating songs like "Amazed" by Lonestar to you, you start to find you're "amazed" you haven't suffocated them with their pillow in their sleep because they snore like a freight train rambling through the bedroom at all hours of the night. And it doesn't affect them- but by sun-up, you look a little worse for wear and you become the grumpy one to live with, gritting your teeth as they smile after a good night's sleep and ask you what's the matter.

I know I'm no great shakes when it comes to living with me. I can be extremely irritable when the old hormones kick in and out, which seems anymore to sputter through my system without fair warning as I get older. My husband can attest to the fact that I can be unpleasant (and so can the kids).

There was a time we were "lost" in our marriage though and I was ready to give up- just as I had seen others do before. It's hard to blend together as a husband and wife but even harder to keep your identity when you become part of a whole. That's the thing they don't tell you about marriage- that it's okay to still be YOU, even though you now share your life with someone else who's just as different and individual. I struggled with whether I was losing my identity and that took it's toll because I didn't know where I stood or whether I wanted to be standing there or not.

It took time, but we worked through the problems, which is simply what you have to do. I guess that's part of the surprise that we've made it ten years- Not all couples survive this first decade- some give up, some give it all they have and still find it's just not enough, but then there are the lucky ones who take each other, faults and all, and find a way to piece it together so that the threads mesh together and they can continue onward.

The stories of love I write are the precursors to this mythological creature we chase- the antiquated idea that marriage lasts a lifetime- or a relationship can do that. I still subscribe to the belief that marriages can be built to last and that's why I love writing romantic tales because I believe there is a happily-ever-after on the other side of "The End" whether it lasts 10 years or several decades.

Happy 10 Years Hubby! Let's tack another 10 onto this one.

#WIPlash Wednesdays- I Need a Break

I have been posting a lot more blogs for the past several months, almost every day of the week but Sundays and I have to say, it's draining me. I should have started off slow and simply added things as I came to them, but now I'm seeing that sometimes I just don't have it in me to write a blog for each day, so if you start to notice a slight decrease in my blog posts, it's due to the fact that I've become overwhelmed by trying to write so many blogs and honestly, my creative juices feel like they've been used up on blogs rather than actual writing,....

So....

I'm going to take a step back and reassess. I'll still have Tuesdays with Taryn, Fun Feature Friday and SCENTsational Saturdays up every week, but Memory Lane Mondays, WIPlash Wednesdays and my Free-for-All or Favorite Book Thursdays and when I'm visiting other blogs will appear only when I'm feeling up to posting or when I actually feel I have something to say that isn't stealing my creativity away from what I really need to be doing and that is writing.

Last week I only added just under 1,400 words to the WIP so I'm going to see if I can knock out more than that by allowing myself to be "okay" with not having a post daily unless I'm feeling up to writing and sharing more. All of life is a delicate balancing act and with my husband's work schedule changing recently as well, I'm finding it's time to figure out how to schedule around everything. I love blogging, but if I hope to publish more books, I need to actually write those manuscripts and concentrate on that whenever possible.

I hope you'll join me on the days I do post and chat with me, leave comments or just say hello. I'd love the company.

Now I need to so see what I can do about filling up my writer's creativity inkwell.

Happy Hump Day!

I can see the weekend from here.

#WIPlash Wednesdays- #Advice for #Aspiring #Writers

What advice would you give an aspiring author who wants to be published?

1. WRITE- Get those words down, build those worlds up and bring your characters to life. Prove to yourself you can finish that first manuscript and give it wings to expand from there. Write more...
2. NEVER GIVE UP- No matter what anyone tells you, believe in yourself and keep moving forward. There will be bumps in the road no matter what your dreams or goals, it's up to you how you navigate those potholes.
3. BUILD YOUR BRAND- Know what you write and promote yourself. Whether you write romance, mystery, suspense, general fiction- find your niche and work it. Decide early if you're writing under your real name or a pen name. This helps build the brand.
4. BLOG- Talk about your writing, things that interest or inspire you- things that make your writing life YOURS. Do you write with music? Do you have sentimental writing totems? Special habits?
5. SOCIALIZE & NETWORK- Join online groups, follow other authors if you're on Twitter. Post your blog links where others will see them. Interact with authors and readers alike. Join writing associations where you can talk "shop" with other authors about the craft, the industry. Socializing and putting yourself out there is the only way to gain followers of your own & build your reader base. Guest blog and host other authors on your blog.
6. SUBMIT/GO INDIE- Work hard and get that manuscript or manuscripts polished and then submit to publishers who are looking for your kind of stories. Or, take the wheel of your own writing career and drive the self-pub highway. Investigate, talk to other Indie authors. Do you want to go Big House or Small Pub? Or would you rather strike out on your own? Ebook or print or both? Know what you want and go for it.
7. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE- Most importantly- write for yourself- the stories of your heart. Yes, challenge yourself as a writer, but never try to "shape" yourself or your stories in a way you can't live with. If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel you are writing to suit someone else with something you're not proud of, don't do it. Some will tell you to pay attention to what's popular or sought after, but also be true to yourself and write what touches your heart. Paying attention to what's out there is important, but don't let the "popular today" handicap your writing or your confidence for your career future.

When it all boils down to it, do the thing you enjoy most- write. Then pursue this dream with all you have.

Have a great Wednesday! Write on-
I can see the weekend from here.

It's My #Anniversary- #Quitsmoking 3 Years Ago

It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I'm proud to say I have 3 years under my belt that I have been quit smoking. I won't lie and say I don't miss it, but I can say that those times are so far and few between and miniscule in my mind that I rarely realize I have that moment of missing it until the desire for a cigarette passes.

I know my husband and I are both better off (his 3 yr anniversary is in April- we did different methods to quit. I went with patches, he weaned himself down to quitting cold turkey) and so are our children.

I'm giving myself a hearty pat on the back for making it this far, from being a smoker for 15 or 16 years of my life to being able to say I can go about my day without reaching for that old cancer stick.

What major milestone have YOU accomplished recently?

1 Year #Anniversary- #BookContract #writer #TMPress

March 13th, 2011- I didn't know it that day, what was waiting in my email for me, but when I opened that email up, I nearly hyperventilated with excitement when KJ at Turquoise Morning Press offered me a contract for Castaway Hearts.

Now here we are a year later, less than 3 weeks away from the release of my novel and I still get giddy all over again thinking about the day I opened that email. I was about to start painting the living room, hadn't thought much about my email over the weekend and then decided to check it before I got started because I knew painting was going to be an all day job.

A few days later, March 18th, I signed my contract, then the next day I posted And So It Begins...

Hello! My Name is Pantser

From where I sit, I see the mist...

The other day I was checking out a blog over on Fresh Fiction.com because of an interview Joan Swan (a debut author of Fever due out at the end of February) was having with Cindy Gerard for a discussion on setting goals and having a book giveaway. I left no comment, as I'm not a registered member. I clicked the link Cindy had posted just to check out what was being discussed and though the book giveaway sounded nice, the thing that stopped me was Joan's take on writing. The very thought has stuck with me for the past few days—

Here is what Joan had to say....

Now, my goal setting techniques are a lot like my plotting techniques. I write (and set goals) into the mist. It's similar to the panster way of writing, but with a tad more structure. The best way to describe it is that I'm standing a point, looking forward. I can only see so far—to where the landscape gets a little fuzzy (that's the mist). I write (or set a goal) to the farthest distance I can see, then set out for it. I know where I am, I know where I'm headed, and if time is an important factor, I have a rough idea of how long it will take me to get there. And somewhere, out there beyond my scope of visibility, is an end point. In a story, that might be the next chapter, the next act or, if we're uber lucky, The End. It's the same with goals for me.

I really like her take on how she writes into the mist. I am a bit more structured when I write, too, though I don't plot at all but I kind of take it as far as I can see into the mist myself and her sentiment really rang true to me, so I just had to share that small gleaning of commonality. Her debut novel also sounds intriguing (title links to the amazon page for it)

Anyway, the first thing this sentiment made me think of was one of my favorite quotes about writing—

It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
~E.L. Doctorow~

It's amazing how often I forget that other authors out there are really, truly just like me. We all are traveling this road to reach similar destinations and I think we all enjoy our own method of getting there. Just as some cannot type a single word without a clearly defined outline, there are also those of us who want to walk into the mist, taking that mysterious journey with our characters as they make the journey as well. Either way, I think that's what is so exciting for us.

Writing revs our engines, fills us with a need for the adventures that lay ahead and whether we use a road map or just jump in the car and drive with only a few little clues as to where we're going, we still know we're going to make it to our chosen destination just the same, with all the little bumpy scenic routes along the way.

This felt very appropriate for this blog today— Into the Mystic—

Here's to lovely travels today my friends. Stop by tomorrow to check out what's on the roster for Fun Feature Friday.

WIPlash Wednesdays-Question from Marlo

WIPlash....it's what I get when I work with on my current novel(s)-

Unlike the real word "whiplash"- I'm putting a new spin on it.

WIP= Work In Progress Lash- the flexible part of a "WIP"

Wednesdays are also flexible. They're not quite so stressful as Monday, but not nearly as exciting or as looked forward to as Friday and the weekend. It's a nice little in-between to take inventory of where you've been and where you're heading.

WIPlash Wednesdays will be that place for me in my writing. It will be a day to take inventory of what I've done on my current manuscript, whether it be writing, editing, or whatnot. It will also be a nice place to just answer questions from friends and family about my life "as a writer." Questions that other writers also get from family and friends or curious strangers and their readers. Eventually I'll probably pool all the questions and my answers into a FAQs section on my website, but for now, I'll just be flexible and go with the flow.

Hopefully soon though, I'll be adding word count to my meter again(I added 3,046 new words to my WIP just the other night), working through various manuscripts, and talking again about the thrill and excitement of creating, of actually getting words on paper (or on screen, as the case may be.) I have more stories to tell and many miles to go before I sleep.

Today's WIPlash will include a question from one of my friends on FB. Of course, as my fellow writers can attest, these questions remain the same, but the answers are usually as personal and as individual as the writer who answers it and those answers vary tremendously among all of us in the writing industry.

Here's my take on one question. I think I'm going to get long winded on this question, so bare with me. Other questions will follow on other WIPlash Wednesdays in the coming weeks.

From Marlo- I've always wondered how writers come up with their characters.

My characters come to me in a variety of ways.

Catherine, from Castaway Hearts, came to me via, of all things, a Myspace background in 2006, which I'll touch more on when I post my blog in a few weeks that introduces her. (not sure who this image actually belongs to, but this is where Catherine really started to come to life in my mind)
See, though the story came to me via this "black & blue" image, Catherine Barrett had actually existed on paper since I was a teenager. I wrote what I considered the introductory couple of pages—just one sheet, front and back, but I never got any farther than her stepping up the planks of her grandfather's ship. I knew the story was historical, I knew she was going to sail away to a new world she was not accustomed to, but I hadn't yet dreamed what that story would possibly be. The image above helped bring Catherine from my past to the present. It haunted me as I'd lay down to go to sleep at night. This girl was so forlorn, so heartbroken and I knew the ghostly ship meant something, but what?

But what of all the other characters? Some were born when I gave them names, and their personalities bloomed from there. Literally. Others, names just came to me and I just already knew what kind of person they were and still others, a name has come to me, but they are playing coy and keeping their secrets about themselves a mystery for now.

In my Love By series, the four sisters originally started out as individual book ideas, single titles. There wasn't going to be a series, but their names all seemed "flowery" and this formed a synapse in my brain that said they HAVE to go together, those characters are SISTERS!

Some authors name characters and give them characteristics based on their names, the origins of the names, based on the cultural and ethnic backgrounds of their characters but I go on gut instinct a lot in choosing names. The wrong name can make or break the character, or do little more than create a block when it comes to writing them as they should be. The right name that suits a character feels like it fits them like a second skin, blends with who they are and makes writing and reading them a pleasure.

Tune in next Wednesday for more and questions from Mary Ellen & Katie!

Feel free to leave me more questions in the comments here at anytime.
I'll be happy to answer them.

Happy Hump Day! I can see the weekend from here!

Rage Against the Dying of the Light

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~Dylan Thomas

Fall is still having it out with Summer, vying for whose turn it is to shine. We've had some mornings where it's freezing when I put my children on the bus, but by afternoon, they've shed jackets for temperatures in the 70s and 80s and come running into the house squawking about how "hot" it is.

I crank up the heaters when I roll out of bed and by midday, I'm sweating bullets and turning them all down, if not off. By next morning, I'm cold all over again and adding socks to my wardrobe, even if I'm planning to be in the house all day.

There's a blanket of golden orange and russet on my lawn. The trees stand proud in their state of undress and until Wednesday, these roses (pictured above) were weathering the temperature spikes with the stubbornness of a mule- determined to show off their pretty dressings just one more time before Fall and Winter put them to sleep for months. Not even the frost deterred them or killed their will to survive. Nope...

Dressed in satiny soft petals, they shivered on those freezing mornings, raging against the dying of the light, indeed! I finally decided if they were that determined, I would rescue them. Safe in a vase, nestled together, their skirts are blossoming and they will finish their dance, at least for this story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a while, I know. Since the last blog post I've been busy. I received my first round of edits, and there were quite a few things to work on. The great thing about writing- I'm constantly learning about myself as a writer, about my strengths and weaknesses and learning how to build and mold them to my advantage. It takes perseverance and determination in this business, much like my roses striving to bloom amidst bitterly cold temperatures. I'm dressed in MY strong will and thick skin, baring my soul in the written word rather than the freezing cold, but just the same, I'll do so with stubborn determination to get my dance in. Others must examine and pick the bones, help remove what doesn't work and sometimes you have to build new foundations and add support beams to help smooth it into a work of art that can stand on its own. So far, so good. I have a wonderful editor who is helping make it the best it can be.

So, I spent my time taking care of that through the end of October and got it back to my editor. I still keep thinking about NaNo, but instead of worrying about it, I'm giving myself permission to be okay with the fact that I'm not participating this year so I can concentrate on more important things. Yesterday I decided that in the "between time" of edits, I'm going to pull the unfinished WIP forward and work on it to get it closer to being done.

Then, perhaps I'll give myself a month, my own personal NaNo, sometime after the beginning of 2012 to write the 4th and final in that series. I'm not sure what the next project will be after that, though I know I'll have a lot of work ahead of me when it is time to start promoting Castaway Hearts next spring.

Looks like it's going to be busy from here on in, as this tends to be the busiest part of the year anyway, what with decorating and cooking and family gatherings for the holidays. I can't wait. I have so much to look forward to, I've got the tingles.

Happy Friday!
Write On!

Jumping Hurdles & Rambling Thoughts

I made some good strides yesterday with my revisions. Can I say that I'm proud of myself? LOL

I got more than halfway through my novel and corrected some mistakes and took a better look at some of the historic elements and corrected some of them as well. I even upped my word count just a smidge when I found a spot here and there that I felt needed a little more explanation or definition. A couple of weeks break from my novel seems to be helping me with revisions. Cleared my head a bit to help me see things clearer.

When I found a good stopping point last night before I headed off to bed, my vision was blurry and I felt a minor headache coming on from eye strain, but I felt more accomplished than I had in almost 2 weeks.

I feel refreshed and pleased with this turn of events.

I also got my books yesterday that I ordered to read up on information about history on Norfolk, Virginia. My characters live near there, not necessarily right IN Norfolk, but close enough and finding information on it has been a difficult task. Most books are about the general info in regard to population and such, and doesn't really give you an indepth look at how people dressed or things like that, especially when trying to find stuff that is for a specific year (late 1780's).

As I've said before, I'm not great at research and I'm not really all that fond of it, but I am finding a developing interest in the time period and the history of Virginia's coast. So I guess in a way I have started educating myself, without realizing I was doing so. I may develop a new hobby or interest in the process, who knows!

This year has been full of surprises for me, that's for sure. I would never have guessed I'd have spent so much time working on this novel or researching for it.

I would like to get this one done though, so I can move on to the next one. I'm not sure which one I'm going to work on though yet. I have a lot, but not sure which one will feel closest to my heart next. Right now this one is filling my heart so much to get it polished and done that I haven't really thought much about the others for a while. Plus, I still need to go back through my other two and do revisions and polishing on them as well. And I may just do that, rather than setting myself another WIP goal just yet.

I am also looking forward to National Novel Writing Month in November too. 30 days to write 50,000 words. I plan to participate in that again. I really enjoyed the fast pace and the looming deadline to get a novel pumped out.

Which makes me wonder if I will enjoy having deadlines in the future...LOL

Before last year's NaNo, I was absolutely certain that it would take me YEARS to write a novel, based on my singular experience with my first novel, that took me ten years of blood, sweat, and tears to finish. I had to literally DRAG the words out through most of it and some of the scenes were hard to write. I did a lot of deleting and rewrites over the years. There was a lot of emotion packed into it and some was a little too close for comfort.

But I never imagined I could write a novel in a month. That was Greek to me, a foreign idea I wasn't sure I could comprehend. But after my participation in NaNo last year, and having finished a 80K word novel in less than 30 crazy days, it gave me a different perspective of myself as a writer. I enjoyed the personal challenge and it gave me hope that I can actually complete something when I put my mind to it and in short order at that.

I'm stronger and more determined than I have ever given myself credit for. In my youth I didn't always follow through with my plans to do things, no matter how much I wanted to do them.

In my early 20's I did a novel writing workshop through the mail. I didn't finish it. Why? you might ask. Because I took the instructor's critques to heart and wore them like a badge of failure. I was young and stubborn and aggravated.

I thought her critques were a huge neon flag blowing in the breeze, showing every one of my faults and all my shining ignorance, for all the world to see. I took it mentally and emotionally hard and it didn't help matters that the man I was engaged to at the time basically told me he didn't support my dream of becoming a published writer (or believe it would ever happen) and he couldn't love me unless I had a "real" job.

Needless to say, he and I broke up and I quit my workshop and never looked back. I believed that I didn't deserve to be a writer or even dream about it. But it kept coming back to haunt me. Novel ideas would pop into my head at odd sporatic times and I would sigh and think how great it would be if I could be a writer, but still doubted I had any business thinking about it because I just wasn't good enough, no matter how that writing desire burned my insides up.

I've grown a lot in the past decade though and I've jumped a lot of hurdles emotionally and mentally to get me to the here and now. It took me this long to realize that if I want my dream to come true, if I start believing in me, and surround myself with good supportive friends and family, I can accomplish it.

That former self-doubting belief system I had relied on for so long is history. I can't live my life that way. My writing flame is stronger than that and has been burning inside me for far too long for me to let it snuff out without so much as a second thought. It won't let me. It's the driving force that keeps me thinking, desiring, wanting and needing to write.

It's an eternal flame that can't be put out. It's my heart and soul.