Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Writerly Wednesday~ Not in the Market for an Ulcer... #homesick

You know that scene in Something's Gotta Give when Erica is BAWLING while writing her screenplay, because Harry broke her heart— I wasn't technically "writing" the past few days, but while doing the read through edits for LOVE BY DESIGN, I have been overwrought with emotions.

I don't think my book is something to cry about, but I have been overly emotional since I've been back from visiting my family in my hometown. I catch myself sobbing at the drop of a hat, for no good reason. I don't know why, but this last trip in has been a kick in my heart and I can't seem to stop with the waterworks. It's horrible and I should be terribly ashamed of myself.

I guess the reason I'm not ashamed (too much) is because I haven't had a honest to goodness cleansing cry in, well, I can't remember. These tears just seem to pour forth, pausing occasionally, but in some ways it makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack or suffocating, and that's not a good thing. You would think as much as I've cried in the past two days, I'd be dried out, but it just keeps coming. Maybe something does have to give. Maybe I just need the release of pent up emotions. Severe homesickness after almost 12 years of living away from my hometown and family and my roots can still cut me to the core just as deeply as the first time I went up to stay for a few days after I moved away.

My husband scoffed when we were heading up because one of my best friends posted a comment on Facebook about the fact that I was "almost home" and I saw it on a text on my phone. I had to remind him that there's my "home" and then there's my "HOME" as in hometown where my roots run deep. Everything I am is built upon the 26 years of my life I lived there before I came here. I haven't been here but 12 and he can't expect me to now claim this place as my "hometown"---I might not EVER be able to say it and mean it because I love where I'm from. I asked him, if he would feel the same if we lived in my hometown but only visited here and he said that his "home" would be wherever I was...

Aww...sweet sentiment, but that's easy to say when you don't have to miss where you're from or not get to see your family & friends very often. My visits never last long enough and even when I stay for a couple weeks, it hurts to walk away. I guess it's because I get so little time with my parents, who are getting older, my sister and my friends, who I miss dreadfully. I never seem to be able to fit it all in and that just leaves me sad and melancholy when I return here- knowing I wasn't able to fit everyone in.

I've always been an emotional person though, so this should come as no surprise to me that I have a meltdown after being with family and friends for a week. Was watching an old episode of King of the Hill last night when Buckley broke up with Luanne and Uncle Hank's advice went a little something like this---

HANK: Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Now there's two ways you can deal with it. You can cry -- and that's the path you've chosen -- or you can not cry.
LUANNE: How do you not cry?
HANK: Well, instead of letting it out, try holding it in. Every time you have a feeling, just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never let it out.
LUANNE (trying it): Are you supposed to have a pain under your rib?
HANK: Yes. That's natural. The body doesn't want to swallow its emotions. But now you go ahead and put that pain inside your stomach too.
LUANNE: I think it's workin', Uncle Hank. I feel sick, but not sad. 

Yep, that hit home with me and gave me a good chuckle. Don't think I'd hold in all these tears or emotions though if I could- I'm not in the market for an ulcer.

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