Tuesdays with Taryn~ Sometimes Happily Ever After Happens, AFTER... #TheEx #Life #History

The scariest thing for me in attending my class reunion was the possibility of facing my past. Not high school past, but my early twenties past, or more specifically someone from that time in my life.

I think I finally stopped holding my breath when I realized my ex-fiance wasn't coming. We met up a couple years after our class's graduation, when he started working at the assembly factory where I worked in pad printing. The irony was that he didn't remember me from school~at all~ but he seemed to have it bad for me from the moment we met and even once told me that he went home after that first day at work, lay in his bed and thought to himself, "That's the woman I'm going to marry someday." In fact, I believe he'd told his dad that.

Honestly, I'm not sure if anyone we went to school with even knew we had a relationship but for a fair few who also worked at the same place or those we occasionally ran into when we were out and about. We dated from 1995-1999, off and on, and we were engaged 3 times during those on again off again years.

His encouragement, along with his mom's, was the reason I went for my GED. They were my cheerleaders urging me to accomplish that goal for myself, especially when I had gone for the pre-test the year before but was told I needed to study before I could go for testing. I'd let it go because I had work and other things going on in my life that took precedence, but a return trip to the GED office revealed that my pre-test scores were so high, I could have gone for the test the first time around, so the woman I spoke with set me up for the upcoming tests. He was the one who took me to Frankfort and sat in the car for hours those weekends I had to go for testing.

It was a roller-coaster relationship that had a lot of good times, but also a lot of very sad, hard times that hurt us both on so many levels, I know. I was his "Pretty Eyes" and I felt loved for the majority of that relationship. Even when I didn't know if I loved him anymore and had broken up with him, he was there for me, trumping through 2 foot of snow, across town to get me a birthday present and bring it to me. We had fun together but I know I was also a lot younger and I'm sure I made life a living hell sometimes when I got moody or irritable. He tried to put up with me, even when I was the grumpiest grump grump under the sun. By the end, I sometimes think that he hated me though...after all we put each other through.

Our official, FINAL "ending" was a new beginning for both of us. He married someone else within a year of breaking things off with me, leaving me feeling a bit like Ally McBeal- Do you remember that moment when she realized that the reason her and Billy's relationship ended wasn't because he didn't want to get married, it was just that he didn't want to marry her?

That's how I felt....It shouldn't have hurt so badly after a year, but it came as a bit of a shock to realize that we'd spent years going back and forth over when we'd get married and then he married this other woman after he'd only been with her a year. Seeing him come through my line at the grocery store was hell too- seeing that wedding band on his finger- and still thinking in that deepest part of my heart that he was supposed to be mine for the rest of our lives. He had promised me his love forever and vowed that nothing anyone said would EVER change how he felt about me.

Where was our happily ever after? It was clear then, that any inkling of love he'd once held for me was gone or buried, when he wouldn't or couldn't even take off his sunglasses in the store and look me in the eye when he came through my line, which he did quite often in the afternoons. And every time he left, one of my fellow co-workers would give me a break from the register so I could go to the back storeroom and cry.

I was damaged for a while after that, emotionally, left with questions about who I was as a person if I wasn't with him? What my worth was, if I couldn't be what he wanted and needed? And how had it all ended so badly? I wasn't sure I was worthy of being loved by anyone after that, much as I wanted to be loved, I always felt lacking. My best wasn't good enough. Not for him and probably not for anyone else.

He had been supportive of my dream to become a writer and I was doing a writing workshop as our relationship began to implode upon itself. I had believed I was on the path I was meant to be on in my journey to becoming a published author, but then he pulled the rug out from under me, when other people started questioning him about how we'd survive if we got married when I was such a dreamer, chasing that unicorn I might never catch and filling his head with doubts and fears. There was no way to survive on just his income and he couldn't "love me" if I didn't have a real job...

That revelation shook the very foundation of my idea of "unconditional" true love that was supposed to last forever into that Happily Ever After. Once our relationship ended, I also stopped writing.

What did I know about writing romance? Love stories? How could I write about love, when I didn't know it & didn't have it? I stopped caring about my writing and I put it away for a very long time....

But, it was one of those awkward moments you read about but luckily the pain and embarrassment was averted. Maybe he didn't know about the reunion. Maybe he just had no interesting in coming. Maybe he knew I was going to be there and was hoping to avoid me. Who's to say? I don't think it would bother me to have run into him after all these years have passed, it just might have been weird, more than anything.

But the thing is, I'm older now and I found my joy again in writing and I try very hard not to let anyone else steal it from me anymore. I know who I am and I'm still finding my place- it's down a long and winding road, out past the fear and self-doubt and insecurities that I carried away from that time in my life. And I'm proof that you can chase that dream and catch that unicorn....its a shame he allowed others to make him doubt me...

That ending was my new beginning...as I began again a few times, which I think we all do throughout our lives...always moving, always changing, reinventing, and always adjusting to what Life throws our way. Sometimes that Happily Ever After happens, AFTER.

#MemoryLane Mondays- Make Those Moments Count

Life and death are on my mind right now and I keep thinking about how to make moments count in my own life as I'm growing older and beginning to lose loved ones close to me. I understand that death comes to us all, but some deaths hit harder and closer to home than others. Growing up I lost a great-grandmother, two grandfathers, a grandmother, my aunt by marriage and an uncle. I've lost distant relatives and close friends and that loss still hurts because I keep those who are gone close in my heart at all times. They might be gone, but they are not forgotten. I know of course that, inevitably, I will lose others as well who are closer to me, but I don't relish the idea and try not to dwell on it. We are all given just so much time and this matter really makes me stop and think about how wisely I'm using mine.

So often, I believe that we forget to make moments count as we live them. We don't intentionally take it for granted, but as we go about life, there are things that fill us with joy or sorrow and we carry it with us and remember it with fondness or regret later. There isn't always a a camera to freeze-frame the Kodak moments, there isn't always video, other than what plays out in our minds.

Life is such a precious gift. The relationships and people we encounter who have been blessings as well as curses. The ones who shaped who we are or taught us lessons that helped us move forward into becoming the person we're meant to be, or inspire us to be more than we think we are.

When we encounter those who shape us, mold us, inspire us- those who love us, it's hard to be reminded of our mortality and it's something most of us refuse to face- that someday that person might be gone- gone from our lives or perhaps gone from this world. And yet there is the hope that we will encounter them again in some distant future or space in time.

Remember to tell those you love how much you love them. Now. Share with them the things you don't want to go left unsaid. Hug them and kiss them and remind them that they have a friend in you and that you love them in return. We're not alone in this world, so show your kindness- share your heart and try to make those moments count.

This post was slightly inspired by one of the new songs from Ben Taylor's Listening Album, but also because of the failing health of a few people I know and care about who may not be long for this ol' world. Be a blessing to those around you. Love them deeply and never let them forget it!

WIPlash Wednesdays- Didn't We Almost Have It All... #writing

As an author who writes romance, I'm often taxed with the responsibility of finding relationship problems for the climatic break-up or often the misunderstanding that occurs before my hero and heroine can confess their love or find their happily-ever-after. This usually has to be suitably BAD, but NOT UNFORGIVABLE and it has to make SENSE.

Unfortunately, it has been my experience that, often times, relationships end in confusion, without closure, without certainty as to the reasons why it fell apart to begin with. In romance novels, you can't do that. You HAVE to tie up all the loose ends so that YOU and the READER are satisfied with the results.

I spend a lot of time when I'm writing pondering over questions like~

What could happen that would create problems that would drive a wedge between them?
How can they overcome that problem once it exists?
Is this problem too extreme?
Can she forgive him for what happened?
Would he still love her if she confesses her secret?

There are so many ways it could go and I'm no relationship expert, so what works for some might not work for others. I've had my fair share of relationships and each one ended for different reasons. I mean, there are some things that are just a given- you both care about each other, but don't love one another.

Some relationships end for very clear reasons- abuse, obsessiveness, possessiveness, addictions, controlling or opposing personality types, unhappiness with each other or even with yourself, finding out you have less in common than you thought, or sometimes TOO much in common can be the kiss of death for a relationship if it makes Jack & Jill a very dull, unhappy-together couple. Sometimes people who think they're perfect for each other find out that they just don't have the same dreams or goals for their future or they have flaws and pet peeves that just can't be overlooked. Sometimes it's simply best to go your separate ways.

But what about "the ends" that don't make sense to the logical mind, to the sentimental heart, that believes Love doesn't just "end"~ that there has to be a "reason" why it doesn't work? What if the door doesn't get closed completely? What if it doesn't make sense? What if you can't break it to your heart?

Sometimes I feel I do Love a disservice because I almost have to "trivialize" what makes or breaks a relationship.

I was reminded of this a few nights ago while talking to my 9 year-old daughter about not taking things for granted. She's lucky to have a television and DVD player in her bedroom. I was 20 years old, living in my apartment before I ever owned a TV or VCR. A friend gave me the TV and a guy I was once engaged to bought his sister's VCR to give me as our first Christmas together gift. This brought up a fond memory from that relationship & I related it to my daughter-

The story goes a little something like this- This ex-fiance of mine once walked through 2 foot of snow from the neighborhood he lived in, to the florist in the shopping center not far from my house, through the park, accidentally getting lost a few streets over and helping a person getting their car out of a snowy ditch before he finally made it to my parents' house~ just to bring me a birthday present, a stuffed Ty cat named "Boots" who was black and white- even though we were broken up at the time.

The look of awe that crossed my daughter's face nearly broke my heart. I could see the wheels turning. She thought it was one of the sweetest, most romantic things her 9 year-old mind had ever heard and she smiled and said- "Wow! He must have cared a LOT about you to do that."

I said, "Yeah, well, he and I were together off and on almost 4 years and when we finally broke up, it boiled down to him telling me I can't love you if you don't have a job. I wasn't working at the time because I was taking a writing workshop and even though he knew I wanted to be a writer, but my dream wasn't as important to him as it was to me."

Her mouth hung open only a moment and then she said, "Well, that's just stupid!"

I told her it was okay, that had I married that guy, I wouldn't have met her daddy and she wouldn't be here, so things worked out the way they should after all. I subscribe to the belief that all our relationships are there to touch our lives, to teach us something or us teach someone else something they need to grow as individuals.

But after I tucked her in and came back to the computer, I teared up. I don't cry often about it, but I realized, unlike my characters, who WILL find they have more reasons to be together than apart, I still, even after all these years have trouble understanding how we went from-

"The first day I saw you at work, I lay in bed that night and thought, that's the woman I'm going to marry," turned into "It's over, give me the rings back. They don't belong to you."

Or how, "Nothing anyone says will ever change how I feel about you," became "I can't love you if you don't have a job."
I was everything he wanted and then...well, I wasn't. "Didn't we almost have it all" seems like the most logical thing to say about it....

Like I said, sometimes REAL relationships end without everything being tied up into a nice neat package. Sometimes it's not fair that the puzzle pieces don't fit together perfectly. Sometimes we're left with loose ends, just dangling there and not sure why. To this day, I can't wrap my mind around it, but what I do know is that within a year, he was married to someone else (while we'd been together off and on for nearly 4 years) and all I could think was- it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, he just didn't want to marry me. But I also know now, looking back, that I didn't love him the way he deserved either and I would not have been happy as his wife.

My peace of mind comes from knowing I have my characters though and I have my writing and I can always make sure they get their HEA. Not everything in my life is so cut & dry, but I'm okay with that.

Sometimes you have to risk it all to find out if it was all worth the risk.